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  Jokes
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   Author  Topic: Jokes  (Read 7311 times)
Schrotty
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Re:Jokes
« Reply #160 on: March 22, 2014, 09:08:55 PM »
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Don`t know if it`s a old joke or if it`s known, but a buddy told me... About the bad english talking ability of german guys...

A german guy took a flight for spending holiday in the USA... As he arrived he was very hungry and went to the next steak house. He asked for a big porterhouse steak, the waitress brought it but there was no fork to eat it. So he told the waitress "Hey, i wanna have a f**k!" "Well, if you wanna have a f**k you have to go somewhere else..." No, no, you don`t understand, i wanna have a f**k on this table!" You will not have a f**k on this table you son of a bitch, get out of here, NOW!"

So he was still hungry and a little confused and went to his hotel to take a sleep. Arrived at the hotel, went to his room and looked at his bed, there was no sheet on his bed. So he called the service manager, the service manager came and asked him"What`s the problem, what can i do for you, Mister?" "Hey man, i wanna have a shit!" "Well, if you wanna shit you go to the loo..." "No, no, you don`t understand, i wanna have a shit on my bed!" "You better not shit on that bed you son of a bitch, get out of here, NOW!"

So the german guy was really frustrated and thought to himself "What unkind, unfriendly people in this country, i wanna go home again. So he went back to the airport, after he arrived he met a katholic priest. The priest looked in his angered face and said to him "Hey my brother, peace on you!"

And he answered "Hey, piss on you, too, you son of a bitch!"


Another one...

One guy to another: "Do you like spiders" "No, not really..." "Well, i don`t like them, too they`re crunchy but leaving such a sour, bad taste..."
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Murray
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Re:Jokes
« Reply #161 on: March 29, 2014, 02:20:51 PM »
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A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Doug came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Doug."

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Re:Jokes
« Reply #162 on: May 14, 2014, 09:21:21 AM »
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning She told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he Told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


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Why Older Men Don't Get Hired
« Reply #163 on: April 6, 2016, 09:30:01 PM »
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Why Older Men Don't Get Hired

Job Interview:

  Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

  Old Man : "Honesty!"

  Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

  Old Man : "I don't give a f**k what you think."

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Re:Jokes
« Reply #164 on: April 9, 2017, 05:17:20 PM »
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One day a man decided to retire…

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman." I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman." On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces," I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?  She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course?"
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Re:Jokes
« Reply #165 on: April 13, 2017, 06:45:12 PM »
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Good one Horst!!!!
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Re:Jokes
« Reply #166 on: May 7, 2017, 10:31:14 AM »
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Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him    'Father'."



The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him    'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says    'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him    'Your Holiness'."



Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"



She proudly replies,   

I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL

40 D Breasts

24" WAIST and

34" HIPS



When she walks into a room, people say, “JESUS"


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